AITA for Not giving a Crap about my ILs? - Overbearing MILs | Forums | What to Expect (2024)

LilmamaB

Hi ladies! I have a lot to unpack here so bare with me please lol
So hubby and I are currently LC with his parents meaning we usually see them about once or twice a month, sometimes three if there's a holiday or family event going on. Lately his mom would text me saying she misses the kids and wishes they can see them more. Which majority of the time I won't suggest stopping by so they can see them or tell her they miss you guys too.
I stopped caring about my MILs feelings back in 2021 when she overstepped a big boundary and gave my son food for the first time even after my husband and I told her no we weren't ready to give him food yet. She did it anyways and I cried over having this first moment of giving my son food for the first time robbed from us because she was too ignorant and stubborn to hear us tell her no. Shortly after that her and I got into a heated argument where I called her out on everything she did wrong over the past few months and how she belittles me as a mother and doesn't respect me as a wife and mom. She in turn made me out to be the bad guy and cried claiming she was the victim in this whole situation because she quotes "We wouldn't let them be parents to OUR son." After she said that I lost all respect for her and started not to care what she thought. She clearly wanted to have a do over of being mommy to my son and I wasn't having it. My husband and I would always argue about that day and I almost considered divorcing him at one point over it cause he didn't defend me at all. Since then we've been LC with them. My inlaws have also never babysat or been alone with our son because I do not trust her. There's been a few other incidents when my son was a baby and she didn't want to listen to what I said or respect my boundaries because she thought her way was better. She one time almost dropped my 2 month old son on his head while I was sitting next to her pumping. She refused to change his diaper on his changing pad and instead thought it was a brilliant idea to change him on her legs he ended up pushing his legs against her and started falling towards the ground before she caught him my heart fell out of my chest that day. That was also the last time she's ever changed his diaper, since then I decided she could never be trusted alone with my son or babysit him because who knows what else she will do when were not around and clearly she has hearing issues. My son is 4 now and he still has never been babysat by them or allowed to go anywhere alone with them. Even though she's been pushing really hard lately for them to be able to take my son to the park which I always ignore or never say anything when she asks.
So we were living with my parents since 2020 when my son was born to save up for a house and last year my parents were going through a horrible divorce. We had stopped at my ILs to tell them that we were planning to move out soon and I had let them know that my parents are getting a divorce. It was a very hard time in my life because my parents were married for 40 years and it all came as a shock for us to find out my dad had a gf. I had let them know that that was the reasoning for the divorce. My MIL looked at me crying saying she knows I'm not her daughter but she always thought of me as one. Which at the time I didn't say anything to her because it smelled like bs.
She has never once referred to me as being like a daughter to her out of the 9 years I had been with my hubby. Even on the day we got married she looked pissed I had a lot of people ask me after why she looked so upset at our wedding, come to find out she told my mom that she was in mourning because she was loosing her son and my mom told her what do you mean losing a son your gaining a daughter. My mom couldn't believe my MIL said that to her.
Now MIL had also cheated on FIL way back in the day when my hubby's brothers were little my hubby wasn't born yet. So I know my dad's cheating probably brought up old feelings for FIL during that time cause he gave my MIL a certain look when I mentioned my dad had a gf. If I'm being honest that's one of the reasons I don't like talking about the divorce with her because I know she did the same thing to my FIL and BILs and it upsets me that she could cheat on her husband and kids just like my dad did that to my mom and me and my brothers. They're marriage has never been good since. My hubby has witnessed too many times of my inlaws practically killing each other. My MIL has also been suicidal a few times trying to jump out of the moving car while on trips with my FIL. FIL also recently sent a text to all his granddaughters in the middle of the night asking why none of them like to answer him and he feels like he's going crazy and doesn't want to be here anymore. Scared the crap out of our nieces and my hubby woke up to texts from all of them asking if grandpa was ok because he texted them a bunch of scary stuff in the middle of the night. So to me that shows that they're both not stable people.
During the first few months after telling them anytime I would see my ILs they would ask how my parents are doing and I would instantly tell them I didn't want to talk about it. My FIL would respect me and say ok and then change the subject my MIL on the other hand would try asking a bunch of questions which I never answered. One night my husband and I went to our church's worship night and I was already feeling all types of emotions and crying all day and to my suprise find out my hubby invited his parents to attend church that night too. They were waiting inside to sit with us it caught me off guard because he didn't mention prior that he invited them. After church ended they wanted to walk the 3 of us to our car so we let them. As we were standing outside our car having small talk my MIL pulled me off to the side far enough away from my hubby and FIL and told me right off the bat that if her husband knows she's over here bringing this up to me that he would be furious. In my head I didn't understand what she meant by that and kinda looked puzzled at her and thought in my head then why are you bringing it up to me if you shouldn't be? She then started ambushing me with questions about my parents. When I told her I didn't want to talk about it she kept pushing and asking and telling me that with prayer maybe they will get back together. She really started making me upset and I started crying and telling her they were not getting back together like idk how many times I have to tell you it's done my dad has had this gf for over a year my mom is finally done with putting up with all his lying and cheating he's done to her over the 40 years they've been together. It's over there's no chance of them staying and working it out. She just nodded and told me "ok well if you ever need to talk I know I'm not telling you to call me mom but I'm here for you." All I said was thank you and walked back to my hubby my son and FIL. I was quiet and in shock from the conversation until we got in the car and I told my hubby to never do that again. I told him his mom just ambushed me and didn't respect me when I told her I didn't want to talk about it. He was upset that she did that but I'm not really sure if he ever said anything to her about the incident.
Last year we also found out we were pregnant with our baby girl in January but I didn't want to tell all our family until Easter which was in April. I sent an announcement pic in a group the night before Easter with my side of the family and my hubby did the same with his. All my family texted my hubby congratulations and my hubbys family didn't do that to me. The following month in May was the first time we had seen his parents since we announced our pregnancy his brother came down for a visit (he lives out of state) and they invited us to have pizza with them. My hubby had also just got his trucking license which he worked really hard at getting, so his dad and brother congratulated him on that and then they both congratulated me on my pregnancy. Not once the whole dinner did my MIL say a word to my hubby or I no congratulations from her on the pregnancy or my hubbys license. I gave her a hug goodbye and also gave her her bday gift (her bday was in a couple days from when we saw her). Then we left. The day of her bday I hadn't texted her cause I was upset at the fact that she didn't talk to us or congratulate either of us but she ended up texting my hubby and I in a group text and it went something like "I just pray for peace in my family for my birthday and don't like all this choas that's been going on." Umm.. okay I told my husband wth is that supposed to mean she's the one who didn't talk to us at dinner and couldn't even congratulate me in person on our pregnancy or congratulate her own son on a huge achievement he reached. He just responded with Happy Birthday Mom love you.
The following month they came to visit us to and to bring hubby his bday present and I swear MIL was all excited to see us and was so happy to talk about my pregnancy and was trying to ask me a bunch of questions like she didn't just ignore me for the past 2 months.😒 Then she asked me if we had everything ready for baby girl when I told her yeah I saved everything we used for my son, so we'll just reuse everything we just would need diapers and clothes for her. She goes oh so you guys don't even need a baby shower since you have everything already. She had the audacity to tell me I could just use all the boy clothes I had saved because she didnt need new clothes and I told her well I might be able to use a few pieces for her but she would still need girl clothes considering everything is either cars dinosaurs or onesies that have the word boy or little man on it. She then goes well it will only be for a little time they grow out of everything so fast and I'm like yeah but I'd still like her to have her own girly clothes. (Like lady I've dreamed of having a baby girl since I was a little girl to put bows and cute outfits on I'm not about to have my one and only baby girl in all of my son's clothes.) Like to each their own but that's not what I want to do. After i left I told my hubby your mom said dont need to get baby girl any clothes that we can just put her in all our sons old clothes. He said she was stupid lol
The last few months before we had our 2nd baby we were also in the process of moving into our apartment and helping my parents clear out everything from their house since they sold it. The whole selling process was really sad for me and my family because my parent had lived in that house for over 30 years, I was also born and raised there so there was a lot of sentimental value to the house. Anytime we saw my inlaws my MIL would make little insensitive comments to me either about my parents or about them selling their house they lived in for over 30 years and just the whole situation in general.
Also my BIL(hubbys older brother) was going through a divorce with his wife around the same time my parents were. One night my hubby and I and our son went for a walk and I could tell something was bothering my hubby. After a few mins of asking what was wrong he told me his brother and sils marriage was getting worst they were considering divorce. He mentioned how his mom texted him earlier that she was very concerned for his brother and his situation. (Mind you at this point I knew everything that was happening in their marriage because my hubby and BIL would talk on the phone and he would tell my hubby everything that was going on with him and his wife.) Well then my hubby mentioned that his mom told her her concerns then at the end of their conversation told my hubby not to say a word to me about what was going on with my BIL and his wife's marriage. This made me so pissed I told my hubby why is she asking you to keep secrets from me. Your mom has never respected me as your wife. How the F is she going to ask me every personal thing that's going on between MY family and parents and when I tell her I dont want to talk about it she keeps persisting and nagging but when it comes to "her family" all of a sudden I'm not allowed to know a single thing that goes on. I told him I hope you told her how that is wrong of her to tell you to keep a secret from your wife. It just goes to show again she doesn't consider me as part of the family. It's not like I just met you and had your babies Ive been apart of the family for 10 years and married to her son for 4 years. This is one of the many reasons I can't trust this lady or respect her.
Now fast forward to the present day we hardly come around to family events or go and see my inlaws unless they invite us over sometimes we will go 2 months without seeing them which has been a huge blessing but every now and then my hubby or I would get the texts from MIL how she misses us. Or that they need to stop by and drop off some of hubby's mail. I don't mind if they want to stop by or if hubby wants to go see them on his day off but I told him those days of me telling them to stop by anytime or telling him let's go see your parents are long gone.
My mom knows everything my MIL has said to me and how she's treated me over the years. My mom constantly tells me not to be the way I am to my MIL and that I should send her pictures of the kids or we should go see my inlaws more often and I always tell her no it's not my responsibility if my hubby wants to see his parents then he will say and he can be the one to send them pictures of the kids if he wants to. My brother and SIL say I shouldn't be that way either that my hubby wouldn't like the way I treat his mom. The thing is my hubby knows exactly how I feel towards his parents especially my MIL.
The sad thing is that I'm not the only one she's treated similar like this. My hubby has 2 older brothers and each brother has teen kids. One brother who recently passed in 2019 shortly after we got married has 2 different baby mamas and had 3 girls with one mom and 1 girl with the other. My other BIL has 2 kids with his wife currently becoming his ex wife. My MIL has never had a good relationship with either of BILs baby mamas/wife and have gotten into many fights/arguements with them all. My BILs wife used to tell me how my MIL never liked her either because she married her son and she felt MIL was always jealous of them. My inlaws have also gone long periods without seeing their 4 granddaughters because of these fights the MIL would start with the girls' moms.
Recently FILs health hasn't been too good he had a heart attack back when hubby was in HS and had to have stints put in over the years. He's been mentioning how he feels like there's a problem again with his heart. So my mom is always saying go see them since the dad is sick and you shouldn't be that way with them but I tell her the same thing, hubby hasn't mentioned wanting to go see them and I'm not going to bring it up. FIL has always been more on the kind and respectful side with me but he knows how crazy his wife is.

If you made it this far thank you I had a lot to vent and unpack here and I'm tired of being made to feel like I'm in the wrong for feeling how I feel towards my MIL. I know how to be civil and still go with my hubby when he wants to visit them. I engage in small talk with my inlaws. If my MIL texts me I usually respond back. I have told my hubby I do these things because I respect him as my husband and those are his parents but that doesn't mean I don't get anxious anytime their name pops up or we have to go visit them. I do it for him and I think in return he respects my own mental health enough to not push constant visits with them.
When I love and care for someone I love and care for them wholeheartedly. Usually if someone does me wrong in anyway I cut ties with them. I can't do that with my inlaws because I know hubby loves them and of course our son loves them too.
AITA here? Or am I in the wrong like my mom, brother, and sil say I am?

Reply